Life On Hold

Thank God the holidays are over! They were wonderful and awful all at the same time. I can't believe that months have gone by and I'm still in the same place with the Ex. Still don't know what the courts are going to decide about my babies. It was really hard to enjoy everything with all of this stress.

Somehow over the last six months I fell in love with this awesome man. We spent the holidays with his family and they are absolutely wonderful. I totally fell in love with all of them. It is so weird for me to be in this position at this point in my life. Honestly, I would have run as far from him as possible if had had seen it coming. Love just kinda snuck up on us and I'm so glad now that I didn't see it coming and didn't have a chance to run!

He keeps me so strong when I need to be and lets me just spill everything and breakdown and is always just there to tell me that everything will be okay. He has this way of always being optimistic (even if he just pretends to be for my sake) and makes me believe it. I love him in a way that I have never loved any man - which scares the hell out of me.

We are both a little sad and hurt over something that happened yesterday. I feel like it's my fault, like somehow I let him down. I never want to do anything to hurt him or let him down! I want to spend my life with him. As this situation with my boys and their father keeps dragging on I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get the chance to try to have the life we talk about.

Sometimes I think maybe it's too much, to ask for a second chance. I've done things that I'm really not proud of in the past and I've renewed a vow to God to live my life the right way - I just hope He will give me that opportunity! Right now I feel like my life is on hold. I can't move forward with my life until I have everything settled. I just hope I have the strength to get through - sometimes I don't know if I do - I'll just keep praying!

DROWNING

I feel like I'm stuck under water

Swimming hard, but not able to reach the surface

I see the bright sky above me

I can see him reaching for me, trying to help

Trying to pull me out

It's like hands are at my ankles

Grabbing and pulling me back down

I'm kicking and fighting with everything I have in me

If I don't soon break free

I'm going to drown!

Brink of Dawn

Another long hard day

Not much seemed to go my way

People are mean & treat you bad

You get beat up along the way

Lots of mistakes I've made

No one else to blame

Oh, there were moments

Bright, shining like stars

Now faded behind the clouds

Wish I could see clearly their beauty again

Feel so tired of all of it

Want to curl up and go to sleep

Hide in my blankets - warm & comforted

Live in the world in my dreams

Been sleeping for many years now

Don't want to be awake in yesterday

Afraid to move into tomorrow

No longer happy to just stay asleep

Dreams of this man I love

Wanting the life we could have

Fears holding me back

Felling restless in this bed

Sleep is slipping away from me

Warm sweet air filling my nose

Shadowy light peeking in

Coming awake at the brink of dawn

Birthdays suck!!

Labor Day

Labor Day weekend was really good - went camping at the beach and it was really good for me - needed to get away from all the stress for a couple of days and relax (well as much as you can relax with two kids!).